BLAH BLAH BLAH YAKKETTY SMAKKETTY

K ... my life is not to interesting. I spend most of my time hiding from the GREAT BLACK HOLE
( otherwise known as depression). I find it very challenging to throw myself out of bed each morning , particularly in the wintertime, (SAD= seasonal affected disorder) and am in an ongoing battle not to go on anti-depressant meds( which by the way never worked for me in the past and am not willing to go through the gambit of >>>>"no that one doesn't work for me .... "Ms. Bryan let's try this one " game for the millionth time " till we get it right scenario. Right now , i know it's not very encouraging but I miss my kids drastically and am i desperately love sick for my grand kids and a closeness i have never received but want to create in my kids but don't know how cause i have never experienced it as a child, and the time I have with them is limited. I want to know that my kids are HAPPY. Also I worry that they are treating their Husbands/ Wives respectfully and lovingly, the way that Jehovah has taught them to, ( I am not the best example ). And that they are being treated lovingly and with respect.
I wake up at about one in the morning worrying about how Kenny is doing, how Becca is , how Christina is feeling if Even is taking care of her and if Pat really misses me , and if Julie will love him forever and if Mike will be happy in the future and will make the right decisions . How Mike will pay for his health care, his car insurance if he will be truly happy. I wonder if my kids will ever forgive me for not doing more for them spiritually and physically, and for not protecting them from things that I never ever dreamed would happen... but did.And how it now effects them.
I wonder if my grand kids will ever really know how much I love them and want them to be safe, i want to be there to play with them , have close mom mom talks with them .... spend time listening to them ... REALLY listening to them and Hugging them and to have a truly happy life FOREVER.
Welll There it is ... the mundane part is that I go to work , and come home ... but it is at the wee hours of the morning that the real deal.... the true concerns that I have come out... and I can't do anything but pray about them.